apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
the day after is always just damage control
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
