He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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