guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
