drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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