I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
