3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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