And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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