i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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