Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize