A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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