I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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