Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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