anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
