I got chris browned last night
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
