so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
