Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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