oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
