chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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