Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the condom got lost in my hair
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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