Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
