You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
