Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
