I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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