the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
