umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
