woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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