the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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