I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
