So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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