If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
