i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
