Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
