I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
