you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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