if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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