I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
