Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
