I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
