i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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