ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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