I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
