yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
