I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
