New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
