The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
