If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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