im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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