i was rollin on her like bob the builder
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
