goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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