Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
