A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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