My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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