I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
