I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
