Jerry, you need to find god
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
