He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
