I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
