Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
