I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
