She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
