I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
